To all men and women who find Deepika Padukone's Vogue Empower video message wrong,
I am someone who did not find anything special in Deepika's video. The choices that she states I have are not very eye-opening or earth-shattering because I always knew I have them. I am among those who take these choices for granted. And that is why I was surprised to see the backlash that followed. I even looked up in the dictionary to see if the meaning of choice had changed overnight.
I did read many articles critiquing it. Yes, I agree it did not state many important problems like education for girls, female infanticide, dowry, financial independence, freedom from abuse etc . But it did state issues that the urban or so-called elite population faces. I wholeheartedly agree that the video is very narrow in the problems and population it targets. However that should be no reason to ignore the problems faced by this class and classify them as not "real". Since I am elite enough to be educated, have a good job, not discriminated against at my workplace, not suffer domestic abuse does that mean I am not entitled to want something more, demand more freedom? A lot of comments were aimed at how the set of choices discussed were wrong. Does that mean such women can merely empathize till all womankind becomes elite and then they will earn the right to air a further set of issues? The choices mentioned are ones that I face everyday and yes, decide upon everyday. So yes I completely identified with them. It definitely did not encompass the problems faced by women in all corners of our country but as a take on daily choices faced by women like me it was spot on.
The other major diatribe against it was the 'sex outside of marriage' choice. I absolutely do not think that the video promotes adultery. It is mentioned as a choice. Yes I do have that choice. I have the choice to have an affair or not have an affair. You also have that choice. When you come home everyday to your partner you exercise your choice to be faithful in a committed relation. Since when did having a choice become the equivalent of choosing to act on it? Why did most people who saw the video see a women who is acting on those desires? Why did they see a woman having sex outside of marriage, coming home at 4 am, wearing so-called provocative clothes and not wanting a baby? Why did they not see a free-spirited faithful woman who wears gorgeous saris, chooses not to have sex and loves her partner beyond adornments? This in itself reflects a prejudiced view of looking at women who desire freedom.
The third critique of the video, the "my choice to have your baby" is the most hypocritical one. Better accept it, my choice does play a big part. And so does my partner's. Yes it is an individual's choice as well as the couple's choice. You cannot place the couple's choice over the individual's choice. If the couple's choices match - they will either have a baby or remain child-free. If not they can part ways or one accedes to the other's demands; what they ultimately decide is up to them. If the man's choices rule, people are mostly okay. If the woman wins, it immediately becomes an ego issue for some. Also if the women wants a child while the man doesn't, everyone sympathizes with the woman - at that time they don't tell her that it is a couples decision and she should respect it. Then why this outrage when the roles are reversed and the woman does not want a child? For the record, I am a mother by choice.
For all those males who came up with the similar video in response, yes you also have the choice to be as fit as you want or commit adultery. But we have the choice to criticize you, blame you or leave you. You can't steal that away from us. However when your wife or girlfriend comments on your beer belly she is not making you feel unsafe or abusing you. And yes before you start complaining, you also have the choice to criticize your girlfriend if she wears clothes not to your liking or does activities that you disprove of. What you do not have is the choice to use your criticism as a reason to disrespect or oppress a woman, make her feel unsafe and abused and commit crimes against her. Remember that.
Many people found a tone of arrogance in the video. They translated it as I can, and so I will, at the cost of your choices and happiness. The video never states that. So many men took umbrage at the "You are my choice, I am not your privilege" part. Why did it hurt your ego? Are you not proud to be someone who does not take their partner for granted but instead cherishes and treasures her? Wasn't the same message conveyed by that line? If you are already thankful for the partner you have, you should not be bothered by it. My husband certainly wasn't; yes I am thankful to be his choice. There, that did not hurt me one bit; though an arrogant non-bindi, non-mangalsutra wearing feminazi that I seem to be. The video is aimed at a certain set of men who do think that a woman's life is their choice. Why did you think you were tarred with the same brush and rise in rebellion if in fact you are the ideal guy who respects a woman and her choices? Whatever made you think it was aimed at you? Maybe that small niggling voice of doubt in the back of your liberal mind? I know all men are not the same, and I speak merely to the patriarchal narrow mindsets out there. I know feminism is not about choosing women over men, but when the men in question refuse to see the equality and think it their birthright to give preference to one, then yes I willingly choose women over such men.
In closing, I speak on behalf of all the women who identified with and supported the video:
A choice is after all just that - a possible course of action. It is not a decision. After all, it is your choices that define you. And a guy who is intellectually my equal knows and respects that. He understands that I always have the choice, just as he has, because yes we both are free spirits. We are the snowflakes and the trees - even if you laugh and call it dramatic. The message of the video that is lost in all the noise is to state that yes, all these are my choices. To do a particular thing or not. As another individual or my partner you can try to sway, persuade or define my choices. However you cannot, should not and must not order, coerce or subdue my choices - which is what frequently happens in our country. And this is not my sole prerogative as a woman. It equally applies to you. And just for this understanding that I have, you should be happy to be my choice. And if you can understand that and respect that, then yes I am equally happy and rather thankful to be your choice. If we have a good understanding then my choices, your choices will become our choices and we will "live happily ever after" in an environment based on equality.
Disclaimer: I am a plump size 8, belong to a middle-class family and frequently look frumpy. Fashion magazines do not gel with me, I have never bought a Vogue issue in my lifetime and my work is not related to the fashion/entertainment industry in the slightest.
